I don't know why but when something mind stirring happens, or rather when something happens which stirs the mind, I at least once think about writing it in a non trivial, non banal way, that'd be artistic and artsy to read. Like taking mud after storm and turning pots from it. It has always never happened. Even the cryptic ( reminds me of Jorie Graham's poems ), sometimes (?) awe inspiring poems that take birth out of a chaotic mind stops meaning anything after weeks and months. I end up reading my own through a stranger reader's eye, interpreting it the way I do when reading other people's poems.
The earliest I remember wanting to do this was when I remembered the time I was playing football with my basketball alone as a kid, and I saw my grandmother storm out of the house, a gray briefcase packed, shouting loudly, pitying herself.
Today the woman who loved me the most, despite my lies, holding back, avoidance, fear of commitment, told me that somebody asked her out today and she said yes, that she was glad she could. I felt glad that she could too, that I didn't hold her off from experience something beautiful.
The biggest reason that I said yes to him is that he is with me the way I used to be with you.
But I stopped work because palpitations started. Not knowing what to do, I pinged my best friend, the only woman who didn't leave despite myself. She told me a lot of things she've figured about me. And I'm always glad to listen to some honest things without measure or calculative restrain.
She asked me if I thought I still loved her. I asked her if not having an immediate answer to that question meant that I did not. She said
No, because you are good at avoidance. Tell me after you've thought about it.
According to her own experience with this, she said that she thought that the only way out of this was to identify why, else these feeling keep coming back. I told her
Right now completely different type of questions are coming. The ones which are trying to figure out why am I the way I am, dancing on the tune of Hrithik Roshan's enacted song. Like 'What do I want?'. The ones that I've never had answers to.
She slapped an answer right at my face
Because you are fearful. You've this whole concept at times, of not wanting to be in a relationship. You've been very vehement about it in the past. But the truth is, all the relationship-y things would be happening. What will happen through denial? You have to take ownership of your life, not in the egoistic way, but in the way that if there are stones in your path, you move them, if possible, but if there's someone who wants to keep sitting on a rock, then let it go. Because maybe it wasn't your rock.
It's like how Guruji says to put attention towards the divine as a habit, to save mind at all costs. He too says to commit to it with all your heart. Sometimes it hurts yes. But half hearted effort and commitment hurts more in the longer run.
Then she joked ( so truthfully ) about the fact that I listen to Gurudev's videos more, but she applies it more. Then she said something that alleviated me somehow
I think what bothers you more is that you end up losing friends because of romantic messes. The only way to move through that is to form solid friendships without romance as well.
She then graciously shared a list privy to me, which had such specific, lovely things she had written she wanted to do that'll make her happy when she'd be doing them, that I felt a little scared. She asked me to make my own things I'd want to do, which I'd be happy doing.
I told her that I've always had idealistic list items. That I just can't come up with something as actionable as her list items. She suggested that I make two: the idealistic ones and the honest ones.
I don't always have specific thoughts. It's just that while I want to top the penguin bestseller list, it's not something I need to make me happy. You said you feel purposeless. It could be because sometimes the imagined tasks are too big to want to start anwwhere. When you start smaller, you're more likely to get through more. Then you begin to believe in yourself.
She shared a video I'd watched a couple of years back, and said she watched it to the full length. So I listened to it as I brushed.
In this click baity, seemingly 'Guru-ish' video, some profound truth bombs are showered. My takeaways from it:
- You are the experiencer not the experiences
We go through many experiences in life, pleasant, unpleasant. But in all of them we're like I am agitated, I am upset, I am sad. Or, I am peaceful, I am happy, I am feeling wonderful. This I be seen separate from all the experiences, because experiences change but I doesn't change. Going deep into this I is what meditation is. Seeing yourself beyond the thoughts, behind your notions of what is happening to you, what others are and who you are. Can you step back and see I am not this, I am not this, I am nothing. Then you come to a very peaceful place within yourself. There you find me smiling.
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Never demand love from people, not even from your Guru. This is the shortest and surest path to become miserable.
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Experiences can be the fruits of past actions coming into play. At the peak of devotion ( towards what or whom doesn't matter ), when knots in the heart opens, tears of gratitude fall and all doubts about yourself, and about others vanish. Your karma — the impending action from the past vanishes.
Very clearly mentioned in Devi Bhāgwatam. Any bad, worst experience come you say "I am not that", because they come and go. "And maybe they've come because of something from the past, I'd have to go through it." And instead of blaming others and making another action (karma) for it, wise thing is to see that "oh okay this might be my karma, doesn't matter, let's move on". SAVE YOUR MIND AT ALL COSTS.
- When people start reflecting what do I need to be happy?, a lot of cobwebs from the mind get cleared.
The woman did right to let me go to save her mind at all costs. This is my karma, impending result of an action of the past. Let's move on…
4th was the point that prompted Amrita to share with me her list. I made two tonight. One idealistic, one honest.