Photograph by Armand Khoury on Unsplash
Felt vulnerable and introspective. Might delete later.
When I was a kid I used to revel in the pride of being good at maths and science. When we used to live in villages and small towns of Himachal, we didn't have a lot of cable channels. So when I'd go to Mohali at my Nani's, apart from Cartoon Network, I'd be hooked to Discovery and National Geographic channels, especially the programs about space and the universe. Truth be told though, I was just fascinated, nothing more. Despite knowing that I had a good temperament for understanding science and math — and this might be a coloured memory — I really don't remember a time when I lifted my head and said to myself "…this! This is what I want become, this is what I want to do," especially in high school, because during that time there was nothing else to think about but to study to crack JEE.
There has been an underlying ennui throughout my life. I've not felt a burning desire for any ambition – long enough to finish it anyway. I could just get by — feel guilty of not giving everything I'd got — but get over it soon enough knowing I'd never wanted to try – not really. Like everything hits a saturation, I've hit it for this ennui again and again. And yet it continues to exist and bother. Which is another way of saying that I am not doing anything about it. But why?
My mother still thinks I am meant to do great things in life. Before a couple of years, I'd keep writing a draft of a post about how I was tired of being mediocre. I lost all those drafts and desire to both write about it and not be it. I feel lost.
I am ambitious about a lot of things — I constantly have ideas. Short story ideas, story collection ideas, podcast and community building ideas, tech ideas [I especially like the ones that sit at the intersection of behavioural, community and culture interaction]. I just keep documenting them. Don't really act upon most of them. Sometimes I fight this ennui and I write. But I know that if I don't write out of habit and practice, my life long dream to publish big – which already has such low odds, won't even begin to have a chance let alone a possibility.
I don't have a fear of failure. I fear taking risks. Also I think I am just lazy. And the necessary pain that comes to overcome this years worth of privilege and laziness has led me to writing about this today. I don't feel a pinch of not acting — not enough to keep me up at nights or mornings working on something. I am just okay to live by, but at the same time, I am not.
I think I am addicted to laziness and pleasure. I am an obsessive — and at the same time — cynical and reluctant hedonist. I think it's because I don't have people around me who'd say,
Hey yo get up, let's do this!
Or collaborate with me with the excitement and intensity.
I mostly don't surround myself with people at all. I can go on like this for months…
Is it weird that I really love my own company and can be in a quiet space for days, with minimal need for friendships?— Rituparna Chatterjee (@MasalaBai) November 22, 2022
Maybe that's the problem? That I don't have reinforcements from outside to push me into doing creative things together? All I have is my own company which piles on the drag of habit of non change.
I also eat a lot of junk. I've been in denial about this for long, perhaps because I am still fairly slim, and I don't see its effect really take turns anywhere. But I constantly feel tired, my digestion is really fucked up and I feel like not doing anything at all — not even office work when I am at the peak of a pressure deadline.
Not all is grim and bad. In the past week, I've started to follow one simple practice. A notebook where I write what I should do in this fashion
I have made it a point to always keep this notebook around me, and open it on a regular basis — make a habit of looking at it multiple times a day. So far I have been able to do a bunch of things this week — simple chores that needed to be done.
Write a letter to my cousin Janisha, buy the book that I will send to her as a late birthday gift, buy the envelops
Ditto Insurance call book for term insurance guidance
Buy Vitamin D tablets
Get RC details for cook bhaiya
Salt, fruits, cooking oil
Do customs KYC for my new keyboard.io coming in
Things that I would have procrastinated for further weeks. I hope that this list also starts seeing projects soon – both writing and tech.
I want to look forward to want to automate things at my job, so that I can find other interesting things to do out of my office time. I want to arrest the tendencies of my mind when the mind feels like wasting time on endless instagram scrolling or movie marathons in the middle of the day. It's really tough. I've never felt more stressed by my own mind before, not this much. I just want some discipline in my life, desperately. Otherwise it's getting harder and harded to live with this habit everyday.
Thank you for sticking to the end of this introspection/rant section. Key takeouts:
- Take risks
- Follow through plans.
- Writing things down to do 2. is a good idea, keep at it.
- Eat healthier
- Make routine, bring discipline.
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